As I stepped off the plane from our trip to India I didn't realize how really exhausted I was from the flight and layovers. My husband, who is an Engineer, calculated that our trip home was about 27 hours in standing in lines, air and delays. Not to mention all the security checks and customs we waited for.
All in all, I must say that our whole trip was a wonderful experience so it never occurred to me that a few days later I would go into a grief state. We returned on a Monday and I began to feel a great loss or hole in my life and by Wed morning I was hiding in my bathtub sobbing as my heart felt like it had pieces missing. I know from my teachers that when the body grieves it is OK to allow the tears to flow and not try to stop them, but why was this happening?
As I sat there in my tub crying I went over all the things that we had done when we returned and even called a friend who's husband was in the hospital to find out how he was doing. He was fine and in good spirits. "This must be a part of the jet lag," I remember thinking to myself. I had called and emailed my friends and family to let them know that I was back and had received emails and phone calls of happy greetings that we had returned safely so why was I in a state of grief like someone died?
Out of the four closest friends that I run around with, I had not heard from one. That was not unusual as she didn't like phones, but when her emails bounced I decided to go and visit her to let her know that I was home. As I drove up to the house and I saw her van parked in the driveway a wave and a thought went through my head..... "It is like she is dead".
"What a terrible thought!" Why would something like that sweep though my mind. I had to say to myself, "that is not true!" "Quit thinking things like that!!!" So I walked up and knocked on her door waiting for her to open the door. No one came so I thought, "OK, she must be running around with a friend" and so I left a message on the door to email or call me as soon as she could. I missed her!
That was Wednesday and it was Thursday night that I received a phone call. The call was the sister of my friend who wanted to let me know that my friend had been in a coma while I was in India and that she had died that morning. All I remember was that my mind froze.... kind of like having a brain freeze when you eat too much ice cream. I tried to hear what she was saying but it was like listening to someone with cotton in your ears. I thanked her for letting me know and hung up.....
Shock, numbness and then grief came and went the next few days...... Even though I know that death is not the end, my body was going to go through the grief with, or without, me involved so I allowed myself to watch myself and experience my feelings as waves of emotions moved though me for the next few days.
It lasted for a good week and by the end of the week my spiritual beliefs, my soul and my body seemed to merge back together. The grief had moved through and I was moving back together as a whole person. I am not saying that I don't miss my friend but the grief that took over my body began to move out not taking over my life. I was able to live again with peace while still sending love to my friend where she is now.
It was weeks later that I began to realize that my body had picked up the fact that my friend was in transition of leaving this world and that even though my brain was not aware of this my body was fully aware and already in the morning stage. Wow, we are all so connected even when we don't even have a clue what is going on.
Then I also realized that the day that I went to her home I also knew as the thought went through my head.. Even in India I was had a feeling of loss as though someone had died but pushed it aside thinking I was just being dramatic...Yet, here again was another experience that we can pick up energy and can read in between the lines and that our bodies are connected as much as our soul but our minds block us from taking in the signs.
Just something to think about,
Blessings,
Ana
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