As I was sitting in a mandatory meeting one day, a thought formed in my head as I realized just how big the Creator of the universe really was. The thought was sparked by the discussion in the room about people and the politics that were going on.
I remember thinking of a conversation I had awhile ago with a dear friend who I visited as she was recovering from an illness. The first thing out of her mouth when she saw me was, "What happened to you?" " You look sick!" "I am fine", I said, as huge tears rolled off my cheek.
"Ana, you can't fool me, I see that the color around you has turned a pale gray which is cloudy and your eyes tell me you are struggling with yourself inside." " What's up?" This was not my intention at all, I had come to cheer her up but I could see by her expression that I wasn't getting off the hook that easy.
I told her that I had taken my job because I wanted to help people but instead found the ugly politics of religion. What was worse, I found that I was starting to lose myself in it. I was changing into someone that I didn't like.
She stared into space for a moment and then she spoke. "Ana, what you are searching for is not only found in the four walls of the church that you work in." The energy of life and creation of the Creator is found in all things in this world and beyond."
"You are limiting your faith and yourself by looking though a magnifying glass.
Put it down and look around you." "By closing yourself off to this one part of your life, you are trying to fit it all in a box." "Politics happen when there is fear and the resources are short." "Look beyond yourself and the box that you have closed yourself in."
I looked in her large green emerald eyes as they smiled back at me and I asked for a hug. "Thank you," I said, "I have much to think about." I could tell that she was getting tired so I said my goodbye and left.
I wish I could tell you that I was smart enough to take her advise to remove myself form that position, but I wasn't. It was a year and a half later that you could say that, "I began to see the light."
As I sat there at the meeting on that day, her words drifted though my head. I realized that I was miserable and felt caught inside the politics of what others outside the room had no clue of. It was time to see what else was beyond the four walls that I had now limited myself to. My friend had assured me on that day that the resources were out there. It was time to make a move.
Looking back I think of how many of us are unhappy in our lives but are afraid to change things, thinking that if we do, it might be worse than what we are doing now. So we stay and fight others who are in that same frame of mind for recourses that are really abundant to all of us.
I am not saying that change is all physical because it is even more effective when it occurs inside, as we see ourselves in others. But sometimes it takes the action of stepping back and removing ourselves from a situation so we can see the habit or dependence of a situation that creates chaos in our lives.
Seeing now, with different eyes I have discovered that my experience was rich in teaching me about myself and my own behaviors. I have discovered my weakness and my strengths as I am beginning to understand the possibilities of falling. As I continue on my path in life, I have discovered the recourses are truly abundant.
Namaste,
Ana
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